Cunting Cucumber

I don’t like cucumbers, I never have. It has become quite widely known as it seems I just like to talk about them. They say ‘Here he goes again. He will start with a statement that cucumbers are the evil of the world, then go on to say they are poisonous yet contain the antidote on the outside. He may even finish with a consideration that cucumbers are quite good for the eyes, but only that.’ And last night I experienced the cucumber once more. Ended up spitting it out.

The cucumber is poison and has the antidote on the outside. It is the biggest evil of the food world though they aren’t bad for the eyes. Guess they were right. But, the cucumber isn’t all that bad really. I mean, you have to exaggerate tales by a third so everyone has a good time, though the question pops up: why cucumber? Then I think to when I learned about the whole poison/antidote ‘fact’.

There was this guy I knew who was poison. He seemed to enjoy tormenting me for a full year. A real jerk, the sort that makes any playground insult personal. The way he looked at me pissed me off, a face which was looking straight down and trying to stifle a laugh. It also upset me when he amassed a gang to follow me home sometimes, hurling abuse. Like I said, a real jerk. Nothing to do with cucumbers yet you can see, but hold on.

A year later I was hauled up in the same class as this guy, let’s call him Harry. It was a workshop class which had you moving around the whole room rather than sitting on your ass for an hour listening, so I decided to see why he had a problem with him. Strange thing is we instantly became friends. Friendship is a term which coats the poison of a person, the antidote. He was the one who told me about the whole poison/antidote thing. I never checked up to see if it was true, I just accepted. He was also a big fan of the cucumber looking Kappa in Animal Crossing. It seemed a hatred of cucumbers stemmed from these memories, rather than disliking the food so much. But we become friends right? Two years of bliss then the antidote wore away. Once a twat, always a twat.

That might be one reason why I think of cucumbers with negative connotations. Sure he only brought that fact up once and liking a cucumber Kappa on a game hardly amounts to much. Yet small things such as smells, utterances or an object in the corner of the eye can suddenly bring back memories, despite how small they are to the memory as a whole.

Or I could just dislike cucumbers because they feel like they are sucking away at everything. A cucumber on a sandwich ruins the sandwich, it makes the bread soggy and the other contents taste of the cucumbers watery scent. You can remove the cucumber but it has already made its mark. Then there’s the crunch, and the juice seeps through, a feeling of damp mornings going down the throat. I hate it. I still use them to lighten the darkness around my eyes. So not all bad. Maybe they’d be better in a fruit salad as they are a fruit and not a vegetable. Thank you Jasper Fforde for teaching me that fact, I like how your cucumbers kill people too. Evil. And the cycle begins once more.


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